Tell me?

Lately, I have been feeling so pissed at world and my head seems full of rants, probably not going to talk about that to someone. So I guess I’m starting to write them down here.

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I have been called pretty, beautiful and all the things someone want to hear, but I don’t want to hear that. I wanted to hear something more that that, something that have value to me ( values and ideas vary) .Recently, I met one of my aunts, she looked me and said you’re going to be a great mother…
Okay. I get it. Women are the arc reactors where we put the same ingredients and wait for the same products, the same expected results from generations.
She didn’t ask me about my major or my favourite book, what if I don’t want to be an arc reactor? What if I want to be more that what I already am?
Why people always talk about boobs and womb, why nobody talk about strength and brains? Why they always talk about finding the right guy and have the fucking happily forever and after? Are we living in Disney’s dimension?

Why no one is teaching their kids to be more than what they can be?

Brave

Like clouds and rain
we are supposed to let go pain.
It’s said not to dwell on past
but does mind ever stop?
They command you to
walk on betrayal
then talk about hope.
I know you’re running
out of patience and
have been there myself,
I too am
tired of hearing
songs of disguised elf.
You must be brave though
breathing after blood and war,
You have left flesh
and became poetry
I am proud of you
for coming this far.

~🧜🏻‍♀

Phoenix

I belong to this world or maybe I am the world or just a void in space, whatever it is, some days I am so full of life, feels like I could give birth to million galaxies and swallow down the burning meteoroids or maybe save everyone from existential crisis. When I see someone suffering, especially something I have been through and managed to survive, there is this invincible desire to move their world upside down and make them see, how incredibly tiny and pointless their pain/ sufferings are. Then, at the exact same moment I want to stay distant, speak only when asked and help only as much as needed to let others soak up the hell fire and be their own Phoenix.

Everyday, I come across someone who starts or end the conversation with “you/ your words saved me” and I just end up smiling, doing nothing, trying to be distant. Like how!
I can barely drag myself out to at least to breathe. I leave conversations in cliffhanger, don’t reply for weeks, worse, delete my accounts. When I am back from the shell, how everyone is still here? Why everyone is still here?

There is this person living inside me, even after all the hell I put through myself, she never left, she actually refuses to leave. And wants to save everyone, her believes in love are so strong that all my demons cry for her to leave. But she keep trying to pull off these “heroic” scenes. Once I told her, if you must,then save me from myself.To which she replied, “saving is not something you need”.
OKAY. What do I need then?

You can call me narcissist, but my world does revolves around me. I am the greatest weapon of destruction and source of healing I have ever known, and these days..

I am not sure what I am.

Mirrors

Mirror, mirror
on the wall.
I asked her about
the heart with a hole.

Empty eyes were
actually screaming,
scared of nightmares
and daydreaming.

Four hours
she didn’t speak,
A powerful soul,
within a body so weak.

Instead of healing,
she keep choosing pain,
Stuck in labyrinth
of loss and gain.

~Mermaid~

Exhibition

Words bleed out of my mouth
without my concern,
Keep leaving this body
with no hint of return.

I’m the master
of breaking my own heart,
with weird thoughts
and shattered hope
I keep tearing myself apart.

You can see me
painting canvas,
but it’s not me.
My scars are on exhibition
I don’t want them to be.

People come to me
saying,
You’re art inside out.
I can’t help,
Smiling,
I just wonder and doubt.

Caged

I was devastated
when he asked me to leave,
A proclamation,
really hard to believe.

After giving me the sky,
he cut off my wings,
I never thought,
things would be, just things.

Not that I am afraid
of being alone,
But can’t believe
a heart can be, just stone.

Of course we were different,
He came here, just to roam.
I got bewitched with magic,
Misunderstood him as home.

~Mermaid.

Reminder

I carry you every where
just not in my heart,
And keep losing my mind
at the thought of a new start.
Sleepless nights
and exhausted will,
My soul is lost
at the top of a hill.
You’re the most prominent scar
on my chest,
Keep getting worse
if I stop to rest.
I keep you
at the top of my lungs
as a reminder of what not to breathe,
It keeps me empty and fine
just like a swordless sheath.